Meet Pamela Brinker | LCSW, Author of Conscious Bravery: Caring for Someone with Addiction

We had the good fortune of connecting with Pamela Brinker and we’ve shared our conversation below.

Hi Pamela, what was your thought process behind starting your own business?
I became a psychotherapist in my 20’s because I’d always been a curious helper who liked partnering with people into their greater well-being and healing. My psychotherapy practice, workshops and teachings are based around methods I learned and revised, or created as a result of my own experiences. They’re in my book, Conscious Bravery: Caring for Someone with Addiction. It was the book I needed myself 12 years ago but that didn’t exist; my husband had died from brain cancer and my two sons became subsequently drug and alcohol dependent trying to manage their grief and escape reality.
I’ve always enjoyed being a therapist, which I view as a sacred privilege: helping good humans with pain and desire to change to feel better with deeper awareness and new skills. But 12 years ago, I suddenly became a single mom after my husband passed and I had to navigate grief – I didn’t know how to be a mom of teenagers who were dealing with substance use, mental health and behavioral issues as a result of their delayed grief and trauma. They didn’t know how to manage their own grief well, which led them to drug and alcohol dependency, even though we talked openly and comforted each other. They suffered “delayed grief,” “complicated grief” as a result of their drug use and not having dealt with their emotions. The self-care practices and resources I was using weren’t enough to help me out of chronic anxiety. So, I revised the tools I’d taught my clients for years, and over time they helped me find joy and contentment again, with greater skills at handling harrowing circumstances which arose as my sons’ drug use and tribulations increased.

My mission now is to help other people know they’re not alone in their own fear, pain, confusion, on their own unique path. So I partner with them offering guidance as they navigate through the darkness of uncertainty and panic, learning who they really are. They decide what they are ready to do, and they learn to do their own self-care as I did, and set loving boundaries with their loved ones who have been through varying kinds of traumatic experiences. It’s satisfying to teach people the tools and practices that worked for me and thousands of others over the last three of decades.

What’s one piece of conventional advice that you disagree with?

12-step is a great structure, but it isn’t for everyone. It works for a lot of people, and I believe in telling our stories, which we can learn from. But 12 step meetings don’t allow for back-and-forth conversation. There are other recovery programs that allow for conversations during meetings.

And in many other support programs, the introduction starts with who you are in the present moment. You’re not stuck saying “Hi, I’m Pamela, and I’m alcoholic” as if you’re defined by your past. Because Pamela is not always an alcoholic. I can say, for example, “I am healing from alcoholism. I am in the process of recovery.” We often benefit by focusing on our overall success, not just our ongoing vulnerability. Some great alternative programs which teach techniques that work, are “CRAFT,” “SMART Recovery for Families and Friends, “Changes Parent Support Network” (CPSN.org) and “Other Parents Like Me” (OPLM.com) support groups.

What habits do you feel helped you succeed?

There are so many. Good self-care is a necessity cultivating joy, and helping others. I greet the sun on my porch every morning, gazing at the horizon while the rays soak into my eyes. I don’t get out of bed until I practice gratitude. It could be as simple as saying, “I have a roof over my head,” “I am breathing,” “I have food,” “My sons are alive,” “I have joy, I can see and hear and smell; thank you.” Nature heightens our senses so I get outside often to be with the sky and trees. I eat green veggies 3 times a day, lots of lean protein, and move my body a lot with exercise and yoga. I do conscious breathing, cross-crawls and left-right exercises for brain stimulation, meditate in different ways, relax into cold water during a couple minutes during showers—learned from the Wim Hof method. I sleep 8 hours most nights. I connect with my inner being a lot, and with authentic others, with God and the quantum. I reflect upon death almost daily and appreciate that life is a privilege.

Getting into my body and heart, I reset during frustrating or troubling situations. I try to be aware of what I’m experiencing: of my feelings, thoughts, intuition, and energy. Of the depth of my being: my essence. How can I know what to do if I’m unaware of what’s going on for me? I can’t. So, I reset throughout the day with conscious breathing and awareness. When I notice I’m on the continuum of being despairing or anxious or panicked, I breathe consciously into my body, and feel the ground beneath me. I look up at the sky simultaneously and say out loud, “I am right here.” This helps me ground down and also feel hope in something greater at the same time. I can cultivate the bravery I need when I maintain good habits, and open up to new, healthy ones too.

I work out whether it’s hot or cold or windy. It’s just weather, right? There’s some discomfort, but it makes me more resilient. My preferences for pleasant weather are not the boss of me. I’ll do yoga outside in a parking lot if I’m waiting for an appointment as long as I can stay warm enough!

I also check in and measure my emotions through the day on a continuum of 1-10.

1-7 is manageable. But 8 is point of loss of control. 10 is hopelessness. When I feel myself moving up to a 6: then I know I have to resource to something greater than myself. I turn to the Beloved or the Divine, to God, whatever you want to call it. I turn inside and to the source greater than myself, and say something like, “I’m really upset.” Allowing it, I can then try to bring it back down to a 3 then maybe a 2, over the next few minutes or hours.

I also say inner mantras while I’m moving or walking, like: “Joy, gratitude, joy, gratitude.” Or:

“Thank you, I’m alive.” “I’ll figure it out on my end, and I release it to you too.” There’s synergistic partnership with the Universe, with God. Sometimes I say: “Heart, body, mind, together.” Everything in us and outside of us is in synergy, we just don’t see it sometimes.

I breathe into everything that happens. When I’m fighting what Is, I try to notice. Smile at myself. Because we can’t fight what’s already here. So I try to give it all love. Love is the fiercest force.

QUESTION: What is the most important factor behind your success / the success of your brand?

Based on feedback from people, I think people feel that I’m relatable, transparent, and real. I can be hopeful, but I’m also able to really understand the pain people go through. I’m empathetic. And, I’m forgiving of myself and don’t claim to have it all figured out. I make lots of mistakes.

Like anyone else, there are times when I want to give up. Or run away. But when I notice that sensation, I try to be present with it instead of avoiding it. That’s what my sons did years ago, they “escaped” with drugs and alcohol. They’re unlearning that now! So -If I can’t stay with my overwhelm, how can I help them see it’s possible? How can I help others do it? Escaping is only temporary. The present is still here, staying like the “guest who wouldn’t leave.” We might as well invite it in, and stay with it.

I try to remember what it means to be a mom. It’s a chosen privilege, and a sacrifice of sorts. We give up time, energy and plans for our children when they need us. I stay as present as I can, or return to being present when I’d prefer to disappear. I don’t give up on myself and therefore I don’t give up on them.

What value or principal matters most to you?

Compassion. I used to think compassion was weak; my triathlete-self had formerly tried to “work harder,” to “fix.” When we overachievers begin to see that we may not be able to fix it, that something could be a lifelong challenge, it can feel overwhelming. But compassion helps me see things more clearly, and do what’s needed even when it’s really hard to do. Compassion links arms with grace and wisdom.

I also set my boundaries – and reset them — constantly. When I regret something I said, I admit I said a stupid thing, and usually say I’m sorry. When I make mistakes, now I learn from them.

I’ve realized I can’t “fix” what my sons have been through. I can’t cure their overwhelming cravings, or trauma. I can’t control things. But I can meet them where they are, and help. Enlightenment is all about living in the moment and seeing with compassionate eyes. Sometimes that means saying no too.

What matters most to me is learning to support my sons being their unique selves. If a person you love has mental health challenges – whether it’s your mother, your kid, a colleague– if you keep a hardened heart they may get worse. Why do we add to their shame and problems with judgmental distance or lecturing? Meet them where they are. If they’re better today, walk alongside them. Link arms with them whether they’re better or not; I respect them because on any given day they’re doing the best they can. My hope is that I can be my best self, so I “set down the zoom lens and look in the mirror,” making the best decisions about what I will and won’t do.

Ghandi said “a coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.” Do the tough stuff. And that can be any number of things. I like to say: Bravery isn’t always tough as nails. It can look like softness and sound like stillness.

Have I figured it all out? No. But I’ve figured some of it out, and I’m better off than I was twelve years ago.

What are you inspired by?

People who live really conscious lives and make changes. Who are authentically themselves, and aware. They change their behaviors, they change their attitudes. People who can continue to transform themselves and maintain a foundation of contentment even when their circumstances don’t change or the people around them don’t change.

I’m inspired by changes I see in myself and my family. I’ve learned to be less reactive. I’m tougher now, yet I’m kinder. I know when to shut my mouth more often now, to listen. Seeing good results is motivating. That can be brave, you know! To trust silence. To trust the process.

I’m inspired by people who can be boundaried yet live in the grey area. We have to be the walls our kids can push up against. And, sometimes the answer is “maybe;” it’s okay to pause, say “I’m not sure yet. I need some time to think about that.”

How do you think about risk, what role has taking risks played in your life/career?

I took a big risk when I changed my career a year ago. I went from working only one-on-one with psychotherapy clients to writing a book, speaking, doing workshops and focusing on reaching a broader audience across the globe, helping people as a speaker and author.

I think it’s important to be willing to think differently and know your limits. For me, it’s important to live a life I love. I know what I want to feel. I ask myself: what do you want to feel in a year? Do you want to feel less anxious? More conscious? What do you have to do three months from now? Today? I ask participants in my workshops to ask this too; it’s a risky question because it requires an answer and taking accountability.

Stubborn gladness is a trait I’m pretty good at. It’s risky too. Finding joy even when everything feels like it’s falling apart.

A lot of people with mental health challenges, their friends drop them. Their parents are all that’s left. It’s my job to listen and try to understand, it’s my job to offer hope. I couldn’t bear to ever cut my children off. I don’t give up on much of anyone. Loyalty is an important value to me.

It’s risky to continue to stand my ground about concepts I believe in and see working, such as “conscious inter-dependency,” vs. the bad rap of“codependency.” We help, but we support our loved ones’ volition, their own choices and timelines. The new research is that “Prodependency” works: being inter-dependent with our loved ones while not managing their choices. We stay present with them through their ups and downs, and wayward impulsivity as they find their way again and again. Addiction and mental health are family issues, that’s the current research, so we attach to those we care about in healthy ways, not “detaching.” We have to be true to ourselves and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to loving someone with addiction or mental health.

I say we can empathetically feel the hopelessness that others live with at times, even feel helpless ourselves, and still be kind. We can always offer hope.

Any places to eat or things to do that you can share with our readers? If they have a friend visiting town, what are some spots they could take them to?
I’m a Colorado girl! I adore travelling, and, I’m a Colorado native. So I love this question. There are several places I think of as “home” in Colorado, and I’d spend time with my best friend in all of these over the week: Colorado Springs, Breckenridge, Frisco, and Devil’s Thumb Ranch. Here we go!

We start in Colo. Springs on a wintery Monday around 1:30 pm, going to Yellow Mountain Tea House in Old Colo. City to catch up over looseleaf, brewed tea in an experience of soaking each other in while sipping great jasmine or cherry teas. Our joyful, even sacred, time together is fun and rejuvenating, so we take 20 min while there to do our Wim Hof breathing to activate our minds and bodies, then move on from there for a ride in the Garden of the Gods. Cycling in the Garden is magical, with the views and the energy. We feel even more connected and hopeful in synergy with nature! After showering at my home, ending our showers with at least 30 seconds or a couple minutes of cold water, we relax a bit by playing our hang drums and congas, then snack on some nuts and yummy organic dark chocolate. Soon enough, we head over to Pizzeria Rustica for Italian style wood-fired pizza and salads, talking and laughing all night till closing.

Awake and feeling the Urban vibe the next day, we jaunt over to Urban Steam for espresso, greeting the sun in our eyes outside for 5 minutes while sharing what we’re grateful for. Then it’s on to Urban Egg, where we get the organic quinoa with coconut milk and berries, and Tatum’s Avocado toast for breakfast. Randy and Liz Price, the owners, are there, so we catch up after our meal. Next, we’re sharing a beverage adventure with Janie Otero, The Dexter-ess who wears a bib and rollerblades around her kombucha shop while working. We sample her all-original “Springs Culture Kombucha,” enjoying my favorite flavor: “Ginger Step-child.” All of us feel like a hike next, so we go to Red Rock Canyon Open Space to soak in the beauty and great energy on the trails. We decide on dinner at home since my close friend is a great chef, so we whip up something healthy and delicious together while listening to Odesza’s Last Goodbye Remix, telling stories and talking philosophy.

The next morning we open my cottage’s full-sized garage door and do our own yoga and meditation by the fireplace to nurture ourselves with that indoor-outdoor feel the big door allows when it’s open. We read some pages of Victoria Erickson’s and David Whyte’s poetry aloud. After blending our infamous breakfast green drink with kale, mint, ginger, raw protein powder and coconut water, we’re feeling like extending our sanctuary of wellness, so drive over to the gorgeous and affordable SunWater Spa in Manitou Springs, where we prefer the cold plunge pool to the hot tubs. They sell my book in their shop, and we chat with the staff for a bit. The connections with people there are as genuine as the views are stunning.

Next it’s an appointment with my friend Susan Rissman, LMT for fantastic massages. We stop at Shuga’s for a late lunch and enjoy easy conversation over bowls of coconut curry shrimp soup and salads. Well-rested, we ride our mountain bikes up the Santa Fe trail towards Monument, soaking in long glances at Pikes Peak for an hour. After showering, we’re feeling like fish, so head over to a downtown restaurant my husband built: Jax Fish House and talk spirituality.

The following day we go to Root Yoga for a class. Having packed lunch, we eat on our way out of town, heading up to Breckenridge. Meandering through the funky mining town of Alma, we stop to take some silly photos by an old barn. We drop our stuff at a little AirBnB in Breck, and wander over to the Blue River to listen to the waterfall and plunge our feet in. Taking more goofy photos, we warm up as we walk through the Alpine garden near downtown. That night, after dinner at Twist, Mat Kearney is playing at the Riverwalk Center, so we dance our hearts out to his music.

Yoga is our jam, so we head over to either Bhava or Meta Yoga studio the next morning with some of Janie’s kombucha in our thermos.’ It’s a great day for cross country skiing, and after breakfast and bone broth at Gravity Haus, we pop up to the Breck Nordic Center. I skate ski around the tracks while my friend snow-shoes up and down some lovely hills on the property. It’s sunny and glorious, so we drive over to Frisco afterwards for lunch and a Sherpa Chai at the Butterhorn bakery then top it all off with their Mexican wedding cookies, the best in the region. Walking across the street, we browse at The Next Page Bookstore, and she buys a copy of The Audacity to be You, by Brad Reedy, a great book for everyone. We continue to talk about ideas and concepts while walking down to Lake Dillon Reservoir. The sky does its magic as we plunk our feet in the cold water for some more hydrotherapy, then we end up at Pure Kitchen for a healthy dinner and watch the sun go down. Allowing some comfortable silence when you’re at ease with a close friend keeps the atmosphere relaxed.

Did I say we check our phones? Not much. Only now and then each day, because we’re trying to give ourselves a break from them, bring more balance and concentration into our lives, and enjoy each other’s company without distractions.

The next day? We’re on to Devil’s Thumb Ranch near Winter Park, listening to “The Huberman Lab Podcast” along the way. Upon arrival, we plunk our bags in our room and make ourselves a cup of tea then meditate with smiles on our faces. Cold therapy here we come! We head out to the deepest snow we can find to make snow angels in our swimsuits! Why? Because it’s fun, funny and invigorating, and we know we’re boosting our immune systems and capacity for resiliency by supercharging our minds and bodies. Revitalized, we walk over to the Devil’s Thumb yoga studio, with windows on three sides of the room making the panoramic views of the Continental Divide spectacular. An hour later, we’ve done our own yoga practice and amble over to Heck’s restaurant to enjoy a late lunch outside by the fire pit, conversing with some other guests. We catch an early comedy in the Ranch’s theater downstairs, then end the night in the room by the fireplace soaking in each other’s company. Soulful friendship is a sacred thing.

It’s morning again before we know it, Thursday, and we’re headed out to some of the prettiest cross country trails in the country. Nordic skiing, we explore the Devil’s Thumb area near the horses and cattle on property. Driving back through Breck on our way back to Colorado Springs, we eat an early dinner at Mountain Flying Fish, perhaps the best Sushi in the Rockies. After a fabulous meal, we’re filled to the brim with fun and relaxation, and once home we hit the sack.

On Friday in Colorado Springs, there’s time for more of whatever we feel like doing all day. That night we take it to the streets for “First Friday” artwalk, perusing local art and enjoying bumping into some people we know. Because we’ve been friends for years, we end the night singing together while I play the ukulele. Final destination: dreamland.

Who else deserves some credit and recognition?
I’d like to dedicate my shoutout to a group in Colorado Springs where I live: Serenity Recovery Connection. They are the best organization in the region for sober coaching and finding solutions needed to cultivate those necessary feelings of safety and hope. They offer a variety of resources for people in recovery, for people wanting recovery, and for family and friends who love them: peer coaches; classes; fun activities; advocacy; support meetings; education regarding trauma and harm reduction; and great newsletters. They offer help in finding: dual diagnosis care, therapists, a variety of medical care, psychiatrists, detox facilities, medicine supported sobriety; rehab, treatment and sober living; housing; and alternatives to 12 step such as Wellbriety (see Wellbriety.com). SRC is a group of great people helping tremendously to educate and stop the stigma about substance use issues and mental health.

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